Suppression*
1: an act or instance of suppressing: the state of being suppressed
2: the conscious intentional exclusion from consciousness of a thought of feeling
I had a conversation with a friend of mine today on the topic of dreams, or the lack there of. Not the kind of dreams you have while you are asleep, but those which you have when you are very much awake and alive. The dreams we have of our future: who we want to be, where we want to be, what we want to have accomplished or be striving for.
The topic came up as we have found ourselves in very different situations than I dare say either one of us could have imagined 5 years ago. She a mother before she planned, making decisions that are best for her family, staying when she would rather go. Myself, a wife and an expectant mother, never having planned to be living where I am, settled down before I was ready. Before I go any further I must say that I don't think either one of us would take back the beauty we've been blessed with, the love that so unexpectedly came into our lives. We are not ungrateful and we are not unhappy. But could we be better? Are we the fullest and most fulfilled aspects of ourselves that we can be here and now?
Love changed us. But it did not come without sacrifice, not without part of ourselves feeling like it needed to be let go...to be suppressed. Dreams needed to be put aside and even forgotten, or so we thought. But what becomes of us when we suppress our own desires? When we stifle our desires to be content where we are for the sake of those we love? Is it healthy or are we merely a ticking time bomb? I am no psychologist, but I can imagine a pressure gauge building and building over time until it bursts with energy that can be held back no longer.
Speaking for myself, the worst part is that I've do this to myself. No one asked me to quit dreaming and I doubt any of my loved ones would ask it of me consciously. Instead, fear of being discontent has held me back and as always I have been my own undoing. Perhaps the deeper reason is that I am a go getter, I've always gone after my dreams without much hesitation. And now there are other people involved and instead of incorporating them into my dreams, I just stopped altogether.
Ah, realization. Maybe I didn't need to stop dreaming. What I need is to dream of new things that involve myself and my husband and my future child. And if I suppressed my own dreams so willingly and or even so unconsciously, than it shouldn't take anything but my own will and determination to learn to dream again. So here's to freedom from our own mental suppression, to becoming the best version of ourselves by incorporating the loved ones that now share our lives with us.
*Image from: http://nadineleenutrition.com/1551/why-endings-brings-clarity-freedom/
