Thanks and No Thanks Internet!

In my short 7 months of parenting, my knowledge is obviously limited and the little I thought I knew has become a muddled, mess of confused thoughts.  But if there's one thing I have learned well, it is that there is no constant.  My daughter changes every day and what worked a month ago, last week, maybe even yesterday probably won't work today.  Just when I think I need to do something drastic to fix a "problem", it fixes itself.  Or when I think I have something figured out...well, you get the idea.  I can rack my brain and try to recreate whatever circumstances I thought may have allowed her to sleep that extra hour or play contentedly by herself, but chances are it won't work.

And when situations do occur that I'm unsure about how to handle, where do I turn? Everyone has a different opinion whether they have kids or not.  Some of those opinions are solicited and some come shouted or whispered whether you asked for them or not.

The worst thing is all the "advice" on the internet.  From scientific articles to conspiracy theories to parents giving advice as to what worked for their kids.  With so many different opinions, how in the world is a new parent supposed to wade through the pages and pages of information?  To be honest, when I'm sleep deprived and scared that I've screwed up my child somehow, the most helpful thing is just seeing that so many other parents have already asked the same questions.  After all, if everyone else's kids slept through the night, do you think there would be thousands of books, articles, and blogs written on the subject?

Subjects ranging from breastfeeding and teething to pottytraining and vaccinations; if you can think of the question, chances are someone else has already asked it.  (By the way, has anyone else ever noticed that everyone's answer to 90% of the crazy things that babies do is teething?  Drooling, stinky pee, rashes, etc?  Just sayin).  But like I said, all the advice in the world doesn't help as much as just knowing you aren't alone in your fears and your insecurities.

So thank you parents for all of your comments and internet postings and for your honest questions.  Misery, joy, and sleep depravation love company.

The First 6 Months

Where does the time go?  When I think back on my life, I cannot remember any period of 6 months that quite compare to these last ones.  My daughter was born on the first day of summer and it was the most painful and most joyous day of my life.  (It seems almost silly to take ibuprofen for a headache or back pain after pushing a child out of me without any paid medicine.)
Every day with her is an adventure.  Watching her grow, change, and discover her world is incredible.  Her smile lights up my world and the fact that she's a mini me of my husband doesn't hurt either.  

Everyone tells you when you're pregnant that you will never love someone as much as the child that is growing inside of you.  And they're right.  They're also right when they say that their personality is forming already in your womb.  It's something I didn't understand until months later when I connected the dots.  The way she kicked in my belly at all times of the day made me feel like I was growing an octopus and that is the way she moves today.  Awake or asleep, playing or nursing, her little legs are constantly going.  I also remember telling people that it felt like she was testing her limits in my belly; exploring every possible space she could.  My father's response to this was that she would continue doing that for at least 18 more years and oh how I wish he was kidding.  The way she looked at me the other day when I told her not to put my phone in her mouth made me worry that I'm not ready for my authority to be challenged, for the lines to be drawn.  Better practice my mom stare.

She's not a great sleeper and she has her daddy's short attention span, (or to put it in a more positive light, she is interested in EVERYTHING!). She eats all the time, but she isn't picky.  We started her on oatmeal at about 4 months and since then she's tried and loved avocado, sweet potato, green beans, carrots, and bananas.  (Nothing like solid food poops to make us question why we chose the cloth diaper route).  She rolls over to get to things and is much more interested in learning to walk than to crawl.  She blows raspberries like a champ and shrieks like a banshie, especially at the most awkward times- like sitting in a quiet restaurant.  She loves being outside and looking at trees just like we do and we can't wait to do lots of hiking and camping when it warms up around here. We're going to have fun.

This is my daughter and I'm going to do my best to keep up with her monthly pictures and hopefully blog about our adventures even more frequently.  Consider it one of my New Year's resolutions to debrief, if you will, and not let too many special moments be forgotten.

Suppression

Suppression*

1: an act or instance of suppressing: the state of being suppressed

2: the conscious intentional exclusion from consciousness of a thought of feeling

I had a conversation with a friend of mine today on the topic of dreams, or the lack there of.  Not the kind of dreams you have while you are asleep, but those which you have when you are very much awake and alive.  The dreams we have of our future: who we want to be, where we want to be, what we want to have accomplished or be striving for.  

The topic came up as we have found ourselves in very different situations than I dare say either one of us could have imagined 5 years ago.  She a mother before she planned, making decisions that are best for her family, staying when she would rather go.  Myself, a wife and an expectant mother, never having planned to be living where I am, settled down before I was ready.  Before I go any further I must say that I don't think either one of us would take back the beauty we've been blessed with, the love that so unexpectedly came into our lives.  We are not ungrateful and we are not unhappy.  But could we be better?  Are we the fullest and most fulfilled aspects of ourselves that we can be here and now? 

Love changed us.  But it did not come without sacrifice, not without part of ourselves feeling like it needed to be let go...to be suppressed.  Dreams needed to be put aside and even forgotten, or so we thought.  But what becomes of us when we suppress our own desires?  When we stifle our desires to be content where we are for the sake of those we love?  Is it healthy or are we merely a ticking time bomb?  I am no psychologist, but I can imagine a pressure gauge building and building over time until it bursts with energy that can be held back no longer.

  

Speaking for myself, the worst part is that I've do this to myself.  No one asked me to quit dreaming and I doubt any of my loved ones would ask it of me consciously.  Instead, fear of being discontent has held me back and as always I have been my own undoing.   Perhaps the deeper reason is that I am a go getter, I've always gone after my dreams without much hesitation.  And now there are other people involved and instead of incorporating them into my dreams, I just stopped altogether.  

Ah, realization.  Maybe I didn't need to stop dreaming.  What I need is to dream of new things that involve myself and my husband and my future child.  And if I suppressed my own dreams so willingly and or even so unconsciously, than it shouldn't take anything but my own will and determination to learn to dream again.  So here's to freedom from our own mental suppression, to becoming the best version of ourselves by incorporating the loved ones that now share our lives with us.

*Merrium-webster dictionary
*Image from: http://nadineleenutrition.com/1551/why-endings-brings-clarity-freedom/

Little things

Babies, babies, babies... Not only do I have my own little one coming soon, but between friends, cousins, and sisters this summer promises lots of life and fun.  To be kinder to my wallet and to give myself something to do, I've been trying to get crafty and improve my sewing skills.  Here's a peak at some things I've been working on.

Flannel cloth wipes

Baby blanket

Wet bags

The in-between

• Pregnancy
• College graduation
• Job applications
• House sale

Transitions are always difficult for me, but even more so are the in-betweens, the lulls.  I've never been good at summer breaks, Christmas breaks, or breaks period.  My mind speaks too loud, my boredom becomes depression as I search for things to throw myself into to attempt to keep myself busy.  This usually results in overcommitting myself and eventually returning to my normal overwhelmed state.  It's what I do, it's what I know.
But now, with a bachelors degree under my figurative belt and my growing belly making wearing actual belts unbearable, I am once again in-between.  Waiting.  Waiting on responses to job applications, on our mortgage company to do their job, on time so that I can meet my unborn child.  I know in my head that I should be patient and enjoy the time off to myself.  After all I've actually had time to read non-text books for the first time since high school and I know time to myself will be a rare commodity once baby Bodkin enters the world.  And yet here I am am, over eager to be back in the real world, to be earning a real paycheck again, and to feel useful.  The house is too quiet, too far away for people and activity.  I should be more productive, use my time wisely. But I sit, stuck in the lull, stagnating.
For once I hope these words come back to bite me in the arse.

There are always lessons to learn and improvements to make.

Earlier this summer, I got very inspired to preserve/can as many different fresh produce as I could.  My motivation was both for my own benefit as well as for an idea I stole from a friend to give home-canned goods away as wedding gifts.  (At this rate I have 3 wedding showers in August alone and will be broke if I don't come up with an economical way to give people a thoughtful and valuable gift.)  My plan was to can a new recipe every weekend until school starts, but a busy schedule and the slow recovery from having my wisdom teeth removed kept my good intentions at bay.  UNTIL... this weekend when I put 3 weekends of intentions and completed them in one afternoon/evening.  

I brought tomatoes and a few peppers home from the farm where I work and decided to buy fresh peaches and more red peppers at the farmer's market in Lexington.  I had three potential recipes: Peach Pie filling, Salsa, and Red Roasted Peppers.  The salsa I had made before and the only ingredient I was lacking was cilantro, which I picked up at the Coop.  After picking up some extra lemon juice and my red peppers, I was also ready for the roasted peppers.  

Of course I should have known it couldn't all be that easy and I am slowly learning that I have a bad habit of picking out a recipe and not researching ingredients of which I have no prior knowledge.   This time the ingredient that almost became my downfall was: Clear Jel.  A trip into the Good Foods Coop, Meijer, and Whole Foods and many google searches later revealed that Clear Jel is a necessary additive which provides a lasting, thickening agent and it is only found online or in Amish communities.  Having already bought around 20lbs of beautiful and somewhat expensive peaches, I was determined to find another route.  I must make a disclaimer that is unnecessary and probably obvious to anyone who knows me very well at all, "I am stubborn, Stotts woman to the core."  This is of course is why I didn't abandon my pie filling recipe for use my peaches for something else.  However, my stubbornness (and much help from Google) lead the way to a breakthrough.  Did you know that instant Tapioca can be used as a substitute for Clear Jel?  Well I didn't either, but that is what I was able to find and use.  

Ok, so one lesson was learned before I even got back home to my kitchen.  Always make sure you can actually find ALL the ingredients you need before you purchase any of them.  The second lesson I am learning as I try any new recipes, but especially canning recipes that will be stored for long periods of time and therefore need to be done correctly for multiple reasons.  That lesson I suppose has two parts the first being to read all the instructions thoroughly before and while you are cooking.  The second part is when doubling a recipe, a safety measure it to make one batch at a time to be able to improve on any mistakes or realizations made during the first batch.  The peach pie filling recipe below is the one that I found which calls for tapioca.  If you use this recipe, I highly recommend that you mix the first 3 dry ingredients first (also, I ground the tapioca to keep from have little gelatinous balls floating in my filling), then add the lemon juice and stir immediately.  The first batch I made I think I took too long to mix everything and the tapioca clumped together and didn't separate even after I cooked the filling.  So lessons learned, notes made, and know I can make even more improvements the next time.  

Below I've included the recipes I used for the peppers and the pie filling as well as the links to the websites where I found them.  ENJOY!

Canned Peach Pie Filling

Recipe from Old Time Cooking Recipes 

Ingredients:
1/2 cup quick cooking tapioca
3/4 cup sugar
1/8 tsp cinnamon (optional)
6 Tbs lemon juice
5 lb peaches, peeled and sliced
2 cups sugar 

Preparation:

1. Combine tapioca, 3/4 cup sugar, cinnamon and lemon juice. Set aside.
2. Place peaches in large pot with 2 cups sugar and enough water to prevent sticking. Heat to 190 F / 90 C (just under boiling) stirring frequently. 
3. Add tapioca mixture and, stirring, reheat to 190 F / 90 C, but do not boil.
4. Fill hot jars with mixture, leaving 1 inch head space. Adjust lids and process in boiling water bath 15 minutes.

Yield: 3 Servings

(http://www.free-old-time-cooking-recipes.com/canning_and_preserving/canned_peach_pie_filling.html)

I had to put my larger peppers back in the broiler, because they were still hard to peel.

Not sure why everything separated, but hopefully it all still tastes good.

Marinated Roasted Red Bell Peppers

Recipe adapted from one in Eugenia Bone's canning book Well-Preserved and a marinated pepper recipe from Michigan State.

INGREDIENTS

• 4 pounds firm, fresh, clean red bell peppers
• 1 cup lemon juice (bottled is recommended)
• 2 cups white vinegar (5%)
• 1 cup olive oil + additional for roasting the peppers
• 2 cloves garlic, quartered
• 1 1/2 teaspoons salt

• 3 pint canning jars

METHOD

1 If you are canning for shelf storage (and not just chilling in the refrigerator), place a steaming rack at the bottom of a large (12-qt) pot, fill half way with water, bring to a boil. It takes a while to get a large pot of water to boil, so while the water is heating, proceed with the recipe.

2a Broiler Method Position rack in oven so that the top surface of bell peppers placed in the oven will be 4-5 inches from the broiler heat element. Rub the surface of the peppers with a little olive oil (this will help them blister faster). Preheat broiler on high. Place peppers either directly on the top oven rack, with a pan to catch the drippings on a rack beneath, or place on a aluminum-foil or Silpat lined broiler pan (a cookie sheet will warp). As the surface of the peppers blister and blacken, turn them with tongs so that they will blacken on all sides.

2b Stovetop Method If you have a gas range (or grill) you can place the peppers directly on the range top so that the flames lick the peppers. Work carefully so that as soon as one section of a pepper is blackened, you turn it to work on a fresh side. If you have an electric stove, heat a cast iron pan on high and place the peppers in the pan, allowing the peel to blister and blacken, turning so that all sides get blackened.

3 When the peppers are all well blistered and blackened, place in a non-reactive bowl and cover. (The steam from the hot peppers will help dislodge the skins.) Once the peppers have cooled enough to handle, work with them one by one over a plate, gently peel off the blackened skins. Cut the peppers in half and remove and discard the seed pods, stems and all seeds.

4 Heat lemon juice, white vinegar, olive oil, garlic, and salt, in a saucepan until boiling.

5 Dip canning jars and lids in the boiling water from step 1. Distribute the peppers evenly among the jars. Pour the hot vinegar mixture over the peppers to cover (try to make sure some garlic gets in each jar). Leave 1/2-inch head space on the jars. Wipe the rims with a clean, dampened paper towel. Place on lids and rings (do not tighten rings tight).

At this point you can store in the refrigerator for several weeks. If you want longer storage, or shelf storage, proceed.

6 Place filled jars in boiling water on a rack (from step 1). (Helps to use tongs and wear thick rubber gloves). Water should cover jars by at least an inch. Boil for 15 minutes. Let cool in pot for several minutes, remove. Let cool completely. You should hear the jars "pop" as the lids seal. If a jar does not seal, store it in the refrigerator and use up within a few weeks. Otherwise the jars should last a year.

Makes 3 pint jars.

Simply Recipes http://www.simplyrecipes.com

Natural Beauty

Do you ever feel like you aren't the person you want to be?  I've spent much of my life being insecure about who I am, what my style is or isn't, what image I portray, what I spend my free time doing, etc...  I can think of very few but specific times in my life when I haven't had this problem and I remember how good it felt, how confident I was.
I suppose we all change and we are not always what we appear to be.  This is evident in the people we immediately envy based on their outward appearance and then later realize they are severely lacking in what we imagined was substance.
What I sometimes catch myself forgetting, is that the outside is only one layer and a superficial one at that.  Life's beauty is far deeper and it is naturally occurring.  The times when I have been most confident in my life may have been colored by a nice pair of hiking sandals, a great hair cut, a new kitchen accessory :).  But it's base is grounded in the people I've surrounded myself with, the projects I've been working on, and the hobbies I've let myself indulge in.  To hold onto those things, to remain grounded and fulfilled in life is a great achievement.  Not only do I need to strive to reach this in myself, but I also need to strive to find a community filled with people who are grounded in such a wealth of natural beauty and light and passion for life.  Step by step.  Day by day.  Life is a process and we all must immerse ourselves in making that process more beautiful and more meaningful.